Political Correctness at Trafalgar
Apparently at the 200th Anniversary celebrations of Lord Nelson’s famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admiral’s uniform.
Image from the CAPC website: www.capc.co.uk.
The celebrations included a re-enactment of a sea battle (and not the Battle of Trafalgar) with a red navy and a blue navy so as not to offend the French. In fact, Vice Admiral Jacques Mazars, who was in charge of five French vessels taking part, said: “It’s not done to put the UK from one side and France and Spain from the other, but it is done to have a common memory of what has occurred 200 years ago. It is a festival of the sea.”
However, Lord Nelson’s great great great granddaughter, Anna Tribe, attacked the decision saying, “I am sure the French and Spanish are adult enough to appreciate we did win that battle. I am anti-political correctness. Very much against it. It makes fools of us.”
How would Nelson and the country have fared if he had been subject to modern political correctness and health and safety regulations?
The nonsense inspired this poem by Len A Hynds (thanks to Rob Long for finding this):
THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR
By Len A.Hynds
Imagine the scene aboard HMS Victory:- now renamed “HMS Appeasement”
Nelson: ‘Order the signal, Hardy.’
Hardy: ‘Aye, aye sir!’
Nelson: ‘Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of This?’
Hardy: ‘Sorry, sir?’
Nelson (reading aloud): ‘England expects every person to do his or her duty, Regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or Disability.’ What heathen gobbledegook is this?’
Hardy: ‘Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities Employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, Lest it be considered racist.’
Nelson: ‘Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.’
Hardy: ‘Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free Working environments.’
Nelson: ‘In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main-brace to steel the men before battle.’
Hardy: ‘The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.’
Nelson: ‘Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full Speed ahead.’
Hardy: ‘I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this Stretch of water.’
Nelson: ‘Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in History. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest Please.’
Hardy: ‘That won’t be possible, sir.’
Nelson: ‘What?’
Hardy: ‘Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and They said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up There until a proper scaffolding can be erected.’
Nelson: ‘Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.’
Hardy: ‘He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.’
Nelson: ‘Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.’
Hardy: ‘Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free Environment for the differently abled.’
Nelson: ‘Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even To hear mention of such words. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by Playing the disability card.’
Hardy: ‘Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the Areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and they fast-tracked you Through.’
Nelson: ‘Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.’
Hardy: ‘A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the Crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing In too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?’
Nelson: ‘I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men To stand by to engage the enemy.’
Hardy: ‘The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.’
Nelson: ‘What? This is mutiny!’
Hardy: ‘It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged With murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid Lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.’
Nelson: ‘Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?’
Hardy: ‘Actually, sir, we’re not.’
Nelson: ‘We’re not?’
Hardy: ‘No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And furthermore according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even Be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
Compensation.’
Nelson: ‘But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.’
Hardy: ‘I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying That sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary report.’
Nelson: ‘You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.’
Hardy: ‘Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.’
Nelson: ‘Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy And the lash?’
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’
Nelson: ‘What about sodomy?’
Hardy: ‘I believe that is now legal, sir.’
Nelson: “In that case……………….kiss me Hardy!”
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