I Do Not Understand…!
How can we understand? Why do we feel the need to understand? What is it that we think we understand?
Gina was sharing her story, opening up about a situation where she didn’t feel appreciated. She was talking about her feelings of being betrayed after other people had taken what were her ideas and claimed them for their own.
I told her; “I understand”.
George was struggling to express exactly what it was that was bothering him. He was frustrated and becoming angry with both himself and with the situation. He was tensing up and physically starting to shake.
I told him; “I understand”.
Sally was feeling disorganized and becoming anxious about an upcoming event. She hates being unprepared and the anxiety was causing her to lose sleep. This was often expressed through her becoming angry with her partner and kids.
I told her; “I understand”.
Henry was feeling sad and lonely. He was married to Marian for more than 30 years and now she was gone. It’d been a hard 12 months, in and out of hospital with the, ups of hope offered by doctors and, the downs of sudden ill-health.
I told him; “I understand”.
Craig was telling me of how he was frustrated that people often make decisions for him. He couldn’t make sense of how anyone could make a decision that involved him, without talking with him first.
I told him; “I understand”.
Sharon was feeling like her life sucked. She was regularly arguing with her partner, she was unhappy at work and she was constantly turning to drink and drugs to numb the pain. She didn’t want to live like this any longer.
I told her; “I understand”.
These are all true (enough) stories. All based on similar conversations I’ve had with people over the past 12 months. They are also feelings that I can resonate with in one way or another because I’ve had similar feelings and experiences. It might then seem reasonable to suggest that “I understand”, but the reality is that I do not and I cannot understand.
I’ve become particularly aware of this since joining a sector that focuses on helping others. I work in a role that often finds me sitting with people in pain and I’m now deeply mindful of just how quickly I am to jump to the (non-sensical) conclusion that; “I understand”.
I’ve now realised that saying “I understand” had become quite a problem. I mean, how could I ever know what it is like to be in someone else’s shoes as they experience feelings of pain, frustration, anger or any other feeling?
Thankfully, I share in my work with some caring people, who I can sit and reflect with. It is through this reflection that something has become very clear to me; it is that paradoxically, I now understand that I do not understand, and furthermore, nor can I!
It’s quite liberating knowing this actually, because armed with this very simple, yet so hard to see fact about myself, ironically I feel that I am a much better ‘helper’ for it.
Thankfully, I’ve become more conscious of the ‘cues’ of when I am about to project my wisdom onto others. Most of the time now, I am now able to pause and stop myself from doing this.
Perhaps I am developing some self-awareness?
I recognise that in me suggesting to others that “I understand”, may in fact shut them down as they share their feelings or concerns with me. I may as well say to them “listen, what you’re saying is something that everyone feels and you really just need to stop it”. That’s not ‘helping’; it’s ‘fixing’.
Is this a problem that you find yourself contending with too?
Maybe you don’t use those exact words, that’s not really the point I am trying to make here. It’s more than the words themselves, although they are pretty powerful, it is our inability to sit with and meet people in their pain. We seem to want to very quickly move to solving, to mending and to sorting. By suggesting that “I understand”, are we really saying to people that they just need to move quickly to restoring their feelings to ones of happiness and pleasure?
But is this what life’s about? Can life be full of cheerfulness and bliss all the time? Can we maintain intimacy and harmony throughout our life? What role does grief, pain and suffering play in our living, growing and developing? Why do we so quickly jump in with the aim of stopping these feelings experienced by others?
So, what can we do about this if our aim is to better support, help and meet others as they experience feelings of sadness, isolation and sorrow (among others)?
Gerard Egan in his most ‘helpful’ book The Skilled Helper (1975, p.136-139) offers a short list of “do’s and don’ts” when it comes to how we may help others by expressing empathy (rather than ‘understanding’) when they are experiencing pain. The list of do’s are:
· Give yourself time to think – don’t jump in during conversations, allow times for silence, for both you and the other person to process what has been said.
· Use short responses – engage in dialogue rather than give speeches.
· Gear your response to the person, but remain yourself – part of being with a person is sharing in a reasonable way in his or her emotional tone.
In sharing his list of don’ts, Egan uses a story to illustrate his point. The story is of a young man who is talking with a Counsellor, when he says that; “what seems to be bothering me is a problem with sex… I don’t know if I am a man or not. I don’t want to go out with women… I think I might be gay. I don’t know what to do”.
Imagined if in talking to this young man I suggested; “I understand”…?
Instead, Egan’s list of things to avoid in this type of situation are:
· No response – generally if a person says something significant like this, respond to it, however make it brief and keep the focus on them.
· A question – since a question elicits further information, it may imply that the person hasn’t said anything worth responding to. Be cautious with your words and focus on helping the person work through their feelings. Instead consider how you can encourage exploring these feelings rather than bringing them to a halt.
· A cliché – we might be tempted to respond by saying; “many people struggle with the sexual identity throughout their lives”. The impact of such a response may be felt as something like; “you don’t really have a problem at all, at least not a serious one”.
· An interpretation – you might be quick to say something like; “this sexual thing is probably just a symptom, I’ve got a hunch that you’re really not accepting yourself”. This fails to respond to the person’s feelings and may also distort the content of their communication.
· Advice – you may be tempted to offer a solution or answer to how they are feeling, but this is not likely to be helpful at this point of the persons discovery.
· Pretending to understand – Egan suggests that it is a mistake to feign understanding.
· Parroting – the mechanical helper corrupts basic empathy by simply restating what the person has said.
Having spent most of life in a profession that is dedicated to ‘crusading’ and saving others, it’s not an easy habit to break; fantasising that I understand others when they are in pain. Our western society makes this challenge even harder, particularly with its exhausting focus on positivism and happiness. While these are part of living, they are not the complete picture, pain, suffering and misery have their role too. How do we resist these strong archetypal forces?
I’ve been struggling for some time with the questions of; How can I understand? Why do I feel the need to understand? What is it that I think I understand?
Perhaps these may be useful questions for you to reflect on also
?
Author:
Robert Sams
Email: robert@dolphyn.com.au
Web: www.dolphyn.com.au
Book: Social Sensemaking – Click HERE to Order
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