AHHS Covidsafe Christmas Newsletter
Dear Member$,
In an era of unprecedented volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity, the AHH$ remains resilient and is quite capable of turning any crisis into a lucrative opportunity to secure its fiefdom. The festive season is almost upon us with its time for bacchanalia, greetings and goodwill to everyone except the seditious Centre for Leadership and Learning in Risk with its cohorts of delusional recidivists and zero harm infidels. Despite an increasing use of virtual private networks, clandestine assistance from our deep state colleagues at Langley in Fairfax County Virginia in the United States of Amnesia, allows the AHH$ to know who you are, what you do and where you live.
The AHH$ Fellow$hip is proud to announce the recent acquisition of some influential platinum $ponsor$, which includes several renowned corporate predators who support our vision and values. During a pre-Christmas luncheon from the swish Benson retirement complex nestled in Melbourne’s leafy Toorak Village, Nurse Mildred Ratched AO ChOH$P was obviously delighted by the relationship the AHH$ has forged with Rio Tinto. The swashbuckling behemoth recently shattered our challenging expectations with an extremely remarkable performance at Juukan Gorge in Western Australia, which almost surpassed the legacy of its Panguna mining operations on Bougainville Island in the South Pacific.
Furthermore, the assiduous efforts from our communications director, Dr Hannibal Lecter (FAHH$ MEAA) and Cruella De Vil COHSProf were particularly influential in garnering additional support from yet another distinguished corporate brigand, the marauding BHP Group. Its impeccable track record with extraordinary performances at Ok Tedi and Samarco certainly align with our corporate virtues of greed, tyranny, malfeasance and malevolence.
Moreover, several of its senior representatives were recently summonsed to appear before the Queensland parliamentary inquiry into the resurgence of black lung throughout its coal mining sector. Meanwhile, the number of confirmed victims nudges towards a double century and support for the harmonisation of safety legislation remains strong.
The recent AHH$ recruitment crusade during the coronavirus pandemic gathered significant momentum and our membership base has increased exponentially. It has attracted many more eminent sociopaths and several distinguished thought bleeders including Ross Lightfoot, Roger Rogerson, Meredith Hellicar, Rosemary West, Bernie Madoff, Kenneth Lee Lay and Rodney Adler.
The AHH$ organising committee is frightfully busy preparing for the forthcoming National Congress on Safety and Health, which will be held at the prestigious North Taroom Pétanque Club in the Western Downs region of Queensland. It is a Covid Safe venue although seating is extremely limited and early registration is recommended to avoid disappointment. Extortionate surcharges for credit card bookings and outrageous cancellation fees will apply.
The conference includes special guest appearances from several socially autistic McKinsey & Company acolytes including our federal minister for disease and the incumbent chairperson of Unsafe Work Australia, who will co-present the inaugural Anton Chigurh Compassion Award. Nominations must fulfil precise criteria covering DSM-5 301.7 (F60.2) antisocial personality disorders. Our chairperson, Nurse Mildred Ratched AO ChOH$P is familiar with the entire spectrum and is quite willing to offer a$$i$tance if required. The renowned televangelist, the Most Reverend Kenneth Copeland FAHH$ is hosting a plenary session via video link from Tarrant County, Texas in the United States.
The Brady Bunch challenge in the previous AHH$ newsletter attracted an unprecedented response from our members and the contest is proving quite difficult. Results will be announced at the conference dinner, which will include an extensive range of Domino’s pizzas. These will be delivered by a subjugated temporary migrant engaged as an independent contractor through Uber Eats or Deliveroo on a pilfered second hand mountain bike with faulty brakes and no night lights or reflectors.
Following extensive refurbishment of our Tullamarine glasshouse the AHH$ has been forced to adjust its annual membership and professional certification fees. Despite its diaphanous integrity, the AHH$ fellowship believes the increase is quite modest considering the professional services and opportunities for networking it provides for our episcopal sect. Meanwhile on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me:
Twelve narcissists a preening, eleven solipsists counting, ten sociopaths barking
Nine Piper Alphas, eight Grenfell Towers
Six bureaucratic SWMSs and five Abba Fans
Four SDSs, three JASANZ audits, two ICAM investigations
and one safety damagement system…….Oh what a tyranny of bureaucracy.
Happy New Year.
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