For the benefit of Mr Kite there will be a show tonight on trampoline
Welcome to an interim edition of the Australian Hinstitute of Heinrich and Skinner (AHHS) fake newsletter, which features Queensland’s forthcoming phantasmagorical virtual safety conference. This prestigious event was initially scheduled to be held at the Southport Sharks sport, leisure and entertainment precinct amidst Australia’s billionaire playground on Queensland’s Gold Coast, which is only a short helicopter flight from the Ardent Leisure Dreamworld theme park. However, following a sustained campaign involving several animal welfare groups, the organising committee decided on a virtual format. Many imprudent lobbyists foolishly believed holding our annual safety conference at this esteemed location further tarnished and significantly contributed to an already unwarranted public perception of these bloodthirsty marine predators….So let me introduce to you the one and only Marcus Einfeld, who has been appointed master of ceremonies for this breath taking festival.
Despite the virtual format, the conference organisers have assembled a stimulating array of corporate talent and narcissistic thought leaders, which reinforces our occupational health, safety and welfare crusade. The webinar includes an opening address from Julie Bishop who defended CSR Limited during the Heys and Barrow mesothelioma case in the Supreme Court of Western Australia. Many renowned global corporate brigands including BHP Billiton, Rio Tinto, Anglo Coal and Peabody Energy will be represented at this inspiring pageant and its audience will hear from several distinguished corporate crooks and famous sociopaths…..What do you see when you turn out the lights, oh I get by with a little help from my friends.
The register of speakers is quite formidable and includes Meredith Hellicar, Judy Moran, Tom Domican (FAHHS ChOHSP), Mick Gatto (FAHHS COHSProf), Diane Smith-Gander, Louis Bayeh (FAHHS), Rodney Adler, and Ray Williams. Moreover, the closing session features exclusive guest appearances from Queensland’s industrial relations minister, Grace Belladonna Grace (neé Farfaglia) and Uncle Geraldo Bellino, who received approximately eight years in the stir following the infamous Fitzgerald Inquiry, which was pure theatre.
The closing session also includes a virtual tour of the notorious Bubbles Bath House in Fortitude Valley and critical root cause analysis of the Whiskey Au Go Go nightclub firebombing, which resulted in the deaths of 15 individuals back in March 1973…………Having been some days in preparation a splendid time is guaranteed for all and of course Henry the Horse dances the waltz.
The three-day extravaganza is designed to generate cognitive dissonance with extensive binary oppositional logic, which is typically restricted to antisocial media platforms such as Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter. This redneck rhetoric invariably reflects a positivist worldview with the relentless regurgitation of evidence based and peer reviewed hard or soft systems change management subjects. It eventually degenerates into a tyranny of bureaucracy aboard a carousel of culpability enshrouded by a miasma of fear….I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering.
During the conference, any skerrick of discernment or critical thinking, which attempts to address subjective elements of risk or noble professional attributes such as caring, compassion, listening and learning will be discouraged or even curtailed. This will be accomplished by carefully prearranged and modified questions to avoid any acute embarrassment in the most likely event that particular safety crusaders are unfamiliar with their portfolio or specific subject matter and alternative worldviews……..Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting away.
The virtual conference provides ample networking opportunities and copies of the following subversive literature will be burnt immediately after the closing ceremony:
· Envisioning Risk – Seeing, Vision and Meaning in Risk
· The Social Psychology of Risk Handbook
· For the Love of Zero – Human Fallibility and Risk
· Real Risk – Human Discerning and Risk
· Fallibility and Risk – Living with Uncertainty
· Tackling Risk – A Field Guide to Risk and Learning
· Risk Makes Sense – Human Judgement and Risk
· Following-Leading in Risk – A Humanising Dynamic
· Risky Conversations – The Law, Social Psychology and Risk
· How Grim Was My Valley – The Great Safety Charade
Participants are reminded that registration requires unsuspecting subscribers to provide the organising committee with an internet protocol address and using a virtual privacy network is highly recommended………….……Newspaper taxis appear on the shore waiting to take you away, climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you’re gone.
Bernard Corden says
We have double vision:
The AIHS’s stated vision – “OHS professional excellence to facilitate a safe and healthy workplace for all Australians”.
Our Vision is – “Safe and healthy people in productive workplaces and communities.”.
Rob Long says
The best way to ensure that no vision is presented is to brand a package a ‘visionary’ and hope no-one asks questions.