I am a Spreadsheet King

I am a Spreadsheet King

I have had numerous conversations with safety people this week who lament the amount of time they have to spend doing spreadsheets reporting on everything from injury rates, TRIFR, near miss etc. One a GM of a tier 1 organisation tells me he hasn’t had time to walk the floor or walk on site and talk to anyone because of the demand for dozens of spreadsheets per week. What is most frustrating is that he knows it all is a total waste of time and contains nothing of relevance to safety. Yet, the anxiety and fear in his organization for every paper cut and band aid captures the vortex of the safety archetype https://safetyrisk.net/understanding-safety-as-an-archetype/.

So in tribute to my many safety colleagues who waste countless hours each week reporting on things that don’t matter, tabulating data of irrelevance and maintaining worship to Heinrich and Bird by statistics, I offer this modification of the Gilbert and Sullivan classic from the Pirates of Penzance (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2j90qg_5_w&list=RDq2j90qg_5_w). Of course the only thing being robbed from safety people by the archetype is their time to be human and engage with workers in undertaking real safety:

I Am the Spreadsheet King

(with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part,
With a spreadsheet head and a spreadsheet heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where Safety is all well-to-do;
But I’ll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Spreadsheet King.
For I am a Spreadsheet King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Spreadsheet King!
For I am a Spreadsheet King!

Chorus.
You are!
Hurrah for our Spreadsheet King!
King.
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Spreadsheet King.

Chorus.
It is!
Hurrah for our Spreadsheet King!
King & Chorus.
Hurrah for the/our Spreadsheet King!
When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I sink a few more ships, it’s true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than ever I do,
For I am a Spreadsheet King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Spreadsheet King!
For I am a Spreadsheet King!
Chorus.
You are!
Hurrah for the Spreadsheet King!
King.
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Spreadsheet King.
Chorus.
It is!
Hurrah for our Spreadsheet King!
King & Chorus.
Hurrah for the/our Spreadsheet King!