A Humorous Look at How NOT To Do Safety
A very funny series by Murray Hurry from Safety Pro in NZ – Unfortunately just a little bit close to how it’s actually done
Part 1: What not to do with Manuals
Gudday mate, Murray Hurry here, your Corporate Safety Officer. You remember me, the guy with that Manual you had to help lift out of my hire car? Sorry it wasn’t convenient that day but we never thought the audit would happen at your place and we only found out that week. The Manual is the best you can get. I hope you put it on the shelf like I told you. In case you’re wondering, it’s the big green one mate.
I know you opened it because after I came back from lunch that day, the cellophane wrapper was off. You’ll get the hang of it, no worries. It goes like this: There’s 45 sections, so you’ll never need to call me for anything ay?
It’s all there. Whole shooting match. There’s not a stone left unturned. I know you guys like to pore over things during your free time, so we went for the doctor. Never use a flow chart or dot points when you can fill a few pages with helpful detail. It has to look posh or they don’t take you seriously mate.
Now, at the beginning somewhere, there’s a Policy Statement. What I want you to do is print it out mate. For some reason, printers seem to turn it into three pages but try and reduce the font mate, it looks far better. Now, get some pin striped chinless wonder to sign it. Here’s the trick mate, don’t let him read it. Just fold it over or something and say it’s to do with the Christmas Barbie. If he catches a glimpse, there will be writing all over it and an Implementation Committee and that wastes valuable time. Frame it and stick it on the wall. Believe me, every word is there for a reason.
Now in the back you’ll find some forms. Last count there were 68 mate, but we got more coming, don’t you worry about that. Last audit, we had to get up and walk around looking at actual workers, so I knocked out 20 or 30 more forms to keep the auditor happy. You need someone to fill ‘em in mate.
READ MORE http://www.safetypro.co.nz/articles/what-not-safety1.html
Part 2: What not to do with Planning http://www.safetypro.co.nz/articles/what-not-safety2.html
Gidday mate, Murray Hurry again, your Corporate Safety Officer. Guess what time of the year it is mate? You guessed it, it’s planning and review time, and, just quietly, you got bogged down a bit last year. I’m getting in ahead of the play so we can tie it all up with no fuss or worries this time.
Now, go to Section 23 of the Manual – the one we team-lifted onto your shelf last month – whip out forms 23a to 29c. The ones about visions, mission statements, KPIs, self assessments, objectives and the Annual Safety Plan mate.
You’ll notice that the forms are already filled out this time. Never let it be said that your old mate doesn’t look after you every step of the way, particularly after last year’s debacle, ay?
Where you went wrong last year, mate, was you didn’t listen to your old cobber Murray and you went off and showed it to that chinless wonder of a GM of yours. Before we knew it, he’d organised a Steering Committee and something called a 360 degree review. Jeez, mate, he took it far too seriously and you don’t need me to remind you how much work it caused for the lot of us. So this year, I want you to take it quietly and not be so ambitious.
Don’t worry about all the fancy vision and mission forms, we got that sorted. Heinz the auditor loves them and as long as we change a few words each time and talk his ears off, he’s sweet with it all. Rubber stamp, mate, that’s what works best, rubber stamp. The one we need to get right is the Annual Plans and Objectives. Get too excited with this one and you’ll be working weekends, but if we do too little, Heinz gets sulky, so we got to strike a balance, mate.
Anyway, the best news is that I managed to get some good oil off Heinz at the Christmas Party mate. He won’t remember because I got him off his face, don’t you worry about that. Had to stand guard outside the loo for an hour to stop His Lordship finding out the state Heinz was in, but it was worth it because Heinz was very grateful and he started blubbing. Said I’m the best mate he ever had. Then he let me copy his Auditor Guidelines book. Bingo! Writing those objectives will be a breeze mate. So here’s what I want you to write:
Health and Safety Objectives 2011:
- Continue to strive to maintain appropriate and equivalent conformance with any relevant OHS legislation, codes and standards, by means of scheduled reviews, meetings and inclusive consultation.
- Aim for an increasingly appropriate accident experience across all functions within the business by consolidating and escalating our risk reduction efforts towards zero.
- Ensure all our employees, managers and stakeholders operate within the key parameters, values and aims indicated in our safety planning process by a constant and continuous process of vigilance, cross functional participation and collaboration.
- Repair the front gate.
READ MORE http://www.safetypro.co.nz/articles/what-not-safety2.html
Part 3: Murray sees you right with Zero Harm http://www.safetypro.co.nz/articles/what-not-safety3.html
Gidday mate, Murray Hurry again, your Corporate Safety Officer. This month, mate, we’re introducing Zero Harm. I know there’s only a week left in the month but Heinz the internal auditor just reminded me we had it buried somewhere in last year’s Objectives. Obviously not buried deep enough mate, get my meaning? Anyway, he’s all set to check up on you.
We got to do something quick smart mate, because I laughed it off and told Heinz it’s all sweet and tucked away and he smiled that way he does y’know when his mouth smiles but the rest of him doesn’t? Scary. You’ll remember.
Anyway, all we got to do is Zero Harm mate, and I know how to fix that smartass Heinz, mate. He thinks we’re panicking but we’ll chuck in Safety Culture too, just to show him. It’s easy mate, we done it before several times and the Troops will love the posters we put up.
So on its way to you right now mate is old Murray’s Zero Harm and Safety Culture Kit. You may already have received it. Like I always say, Murray never lets you down in times of need. Here’s what to do:
Put up those posters, the ones that say: “Don’t chance your arm. Do Zero Harm”. Cracker, eh? There’s also a humungus Accident Board. Put it at the Front Gate mate. I’ll decide what numbers to hang on it when you send me your monthly accident report. Downward trends mate, that’s what we need, downward trends. No one needs to put up with Lost Time mate. Look, when the Troops get hurt, what we do is send them letters to fold and envelopes to stuff while they’re in hospital. Drag them in to work for an hour a day. I’m sure you can think of something productive. Better still, tell me what you want to achieve and I’ll just send you the best numbers to hang on the board.
Now for the clown’s hat, red nose and apron. I know, I know, but this is where the culture comes in. I want you to get that chinless wonder of a GM of yours to wear that gear and cook a Barbie for the Troops. On the hat, it says “I’m a vulture for safety culture”. They’ll love him for it. Just pull the hat over his head and let him do one of those speeches he likes to make. The type where he puts his watch down in front of him, holds his lapels and snorts down his nose when he makes a joke. The Troops need inspiration.
READ MORE: http://www.safetypro.co.nz/articles/what-not-safety3.html