Understanding takes
I asked them what words came to their mind when they heard the phrase ‘man-overboard’.
One of them responded by listing:
1. Panic
2. Man-overboard button
3. Swift response
4. Alert
5. Release a buoy
6. Public address system
7. Orange smoke
8. Wind
On the face of it, this seems like a logical sequence of actions following a person falling overboard. A checklist.
But when I asked this person to reflect on his words and tell me what it meant to him, I was blown away by his response:
“30 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘚𝘺𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘣𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝘋𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘴𝘸𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳, 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮. 𝘐 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵.”
I asked him, “when was the last time you’ve shared this story with someone?”
“Never before”, he said. “I’m surprised how it came out after 30 years.”
𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆:
Stop looking for word meanings in a dictionary. The real meaning lives with the who owns the words.
But speech is not a conscious exercise. We don’t think before we speak. Where can we find the meaning in words?
The real meaning comes from giving people the opportunity to reflect on their words.
If you want to understand someone, first help them to reflect on their words.
Next, step in their world to understand what they have understood. That requires letting go of power and control. That’s easier said than done!
A lot of trauma, suffering, emotions and feelings can remain hidden and untouched for decades. It takes attentive listening to bring the trauma to the surface.
There is both learning and healing in listening.
If you want to connect with someone, pay close attention to their words.
If you want to be a leader talk less and listen more.
When we talk less and listen more, we will learn something new.
What I took away from this exercise:
𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀.
𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴.
𝗣𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱?
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Why not a simple most understood word like “HELP”?
Help can mean many things. All language is interpreted.
The power of surfacing never ceases to amaze me. The Headspace and Groupspace ignored for 30 years, and a checklist pushed into automaticity!
What a great phrase: real understanding takes under-standing. Wonderful. Most in safety think conversations is a Technique (Ellul) but its really a disposition (dis-position).