Mourning, Loss, Harm and Injury and, the Need for Everyday Social Resilience

It is extraordinary the suffering that some people bear. I attended a wake recently for a young man who died from complications to do with diabetes and alcoholism, he was 45. He died alone with only a few friends who called in on him regularly. When I first knew him at the age of 16 he was the model of confidence and success. As some say, ‘he had the world at his feet’. But life doesn’t always work out the way horoscopes project. Life is most like the movie Sliding Doors (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120148/).

Life is not predictable, the world is a place of fallibility, mortality and movement. For my young friend, things didn’t end out as planned. Tables turned, opportunities were lost, things fell apart and pressures directed him to places unforeseen. His suffering was enormous, private and as much as one could bear. At his wake with a hundred people sharing stories and emotions, many spoke of his sense of humour and intelligence. One can have such a community of support and still feel alone. It’s not dissimilar to having a thousand friends on social media and still not being close to anyone. Some even describe the loss of empathy, community and meaning as an ‘Epidemic in Loneliness’ (https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf).

In the midst of suffering, we all need Everyday Social Resilience (https://www.humandymensions.com/product/everyday-social-resilience-being-in-risk/). In suffering that no-one else can truly ‘know’ we don’t need messages of ‘pull your self together’, ‘bounce back’, ‘toughen up’, ‘mental fitness’ or any of the other silly goop that gets peddled about as individualistic effort. People in suffering don’t need experts preaching at them about how mental illness is a ‘hazard’ (https://safetyrisk.net/what-is-psychosocial-safety/) or lecturing to them about their own suffering. Such nonsense is like telling someone to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic and all will end well.

Most of what passes about in risk and safety as resilience advice, is cheap and lacks empathy. One would expect this from an industry that rarely talks about itself as a process of helping and care, despite its adoration of the word ‘profession’.

What people need in the midst of suffering is: no preaching, no lectures and no advice. The key to helping (https://safetyrisk.net/the-advisor-as-skilled-helper/ ) is real listening. This kind of listening is unique and about much more than hearing what another says. This orientation requires extraordinary skills and experience to connect and be present. Rogers called this ‘attending’ (https://safetyrisk.net/the-advisor-as-skilled-helper/).

There is nowhere in the safety curriculum globally that seeks to include this in what is considered essential knowledge for safety people. Such helping and listening has no place for ego to be in the mix. This kind of orientation is not about labels of ‘chaplain’, ‘minister’, ‘counsellor’ or ‘psychologist’. Ego disables any attempt at helping.

In the workplace when people are in suffering, they know who to share with and who to ignore. Those who are arrogant, egocentric and embody power, are ignored regardless about meaning rhetoric. You can’t help anyone when it’s all about you.

I read a good book recently about the Mourning of John Lennon, an interesting biography that documented his suffering and how it motivated his music, art and presence in the world.  Sometimes the best people who ‘attend’ with us are those who know how to mourn with us.

In reality, most people don’t seek out counsellors or chaplains even in a crisis. They don’t seek out experts, but rather trusted humble people who know how to attend, help and listen. This is what is discussed in Everyday Social Resilience, Living in Being. (https://www.humandymensions.com/product/everyday-social-resilience-being-in-risk/ )

One thing is for sure, no-one in any form of suffering or loss would ever consult anyone who preaches zero and perfection. Safety=zero disables the industry from ever being a source of comfort, counsel and trust. How can one mourn in loss with others when you don’t believe in loss?

In Everyday Social Resilience, we find the people, Communitie and presence we need. Often this is in family or people about us who know us best, know our Every-day and know intuitively the resilience wave (pp. 132ff).

Pastoral care rarely arrives in a flash of light or starry entrance from the sky but rather, in a still voice and a quiet cup of tea/coffee. Pastoral care comes with an extraordinary understanding of time and knows that any schedule is the end of helping. If resilience is not social and Every-day, it most likely won’t be enabled, it will be dis-abled. Bring in some boxing expert to tell you to ‘toughen up’ is simply nonsense and has no connection to resilience.

This is why in safety; the nonsense language of ‘heroes’ and ‘gurus’ is about as helpful as zero. The last thing anyone in suffering wants is a ‘guru’ who knows everything about ‘saving lives’. The language of ‘hero’ is anathema to helping, caring and resilience.

The skilled helper knows how to help (https://safetyrisk.net/fluff-or-substance-safety-hype-and-everyday-social-resilience/). The skilled helper knows humility and relinquishes power. The skilled helper knows how to suspend all agenda and ditch ego. The skilled helper knows the dos and don’ts of pastoral care (https://safetyrisk.net/how-to-be-oriented-towards-psychosocial-and-mental-health-in-safety/). Skilled helping is not part of any safety qualification and so sets Safety on a telling trajectory in the workplace. Such an orientation can never help anyone.

If you do want to learn how to be a helper and carer, there is much safety to unlearn (https://safetyrisk.net/an-unlearning-safety-journey/). If you are looking for good studies to get you started in re-learning to be a skilled helper, you could start here: https://www.aipc.net.au/courses/diploma-of-counselling

We know people in SPoR who have studied this qualification and it is highly recommended. Indeed, some in SPoR since studying this qualification have left safety to undertake careers as professionals in helping and caring.

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Prof. Robert Long

Expert in Social Psychology, Principal & Trainer at Human Dymensions

Latest posts by Prof. Robert Long (see all)

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• Weick and Organisational Sensemaking - June 12, 2026
• Safety Beliefs – Free Workshop July - June 10, 2026

PhD., MEd., MOH., BEd., BTh., Dip T., Dip Min., Cert IV TAA, MRMIA Rob is the founder of Human Dymensions and has extensive experience, qualifications and expertise across a range of sectors including government, education, corporate, industry and community sectors over 30 years. Rob has worked at all levels of the education and training sector including serving on various post graduate executive, post graduate supervision, post graduate course design and implementation programs.