Package
Starting at $500,000 plus 12.5% super loading (although investing in the future is irrelevant, depending on prediction success rate). $10,000 deducted per failure to predict any event on site over a 12-month period. (Previous applicant left owing the company $400,000).
Status
Full Time 35-168hrs per week, as required.
Position Description
- Ability to predict any event on site.
- Capability to know the future.
- Infallibility
- Know the unknowns.
- Collect ‘big data’ and deny Bounded Rationality.
- Perfection
Selection Criteria
- Skills in reading tea leaves, horoscope, tarot cards essential.
- Ability to speak endlessly about ‘predictive analytics’.
- Necessity to guarantee zero.
- Ability to use Hindsight Bias to claim eternal foresight.
- Blame, fudge data and project denial, when accidents occur.
- Ability to redefine the meaning of words like ‘accident’ and ‘risk’.
- Be able to preach ‘just believe’.
- Declare BBS as the safety saviour.
- Ability to ignore all research in human personhood.
- Ability to speak with certainty about uncertainty.
Functional Capabilities
- Must not own, purchase or sell life/accident insurance.
- Speak meaningless gobbledygook to people.
- Ability to walk on water.
- Turn water into wine.
- Heal the sick.
- Prophecy
- Read people’s minds.
- Ability to pray for car parks.
- Redefine risk and assurance.
How to Apply
- Applications addressed to ‘The Omniscient One’
- Please include in CV a 10-year history of prediction successes.
- If successful for interview, we expect you to predict the time, date and make-up of the interview team and the questions they may ask.
Referees Required
Personal friendship with Budda, Mohamed, Thor, Jedi Master and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Applications closed 3 months ago because you didn’t predict this ad.
Possible Places for Future Employment
https://www.worley.com/our-thinking/improve-safety-with-predictive-analytics
https://www.crunchbase.com/organization/predictive-safety
https://www.safetytech.ai/predictive-safety-srp-inc
https://www.pwc.com.au/consulting/safety-analytics.html
https://www.usequantum.com/future-safety-predictive-safety-analytics/
https://pitchbook.com/profiles/company/168597-28
https://www.thehortongroup.com/predictive-safety-analytics
https://www.skybrary.aero/articles/predictive-risk-management
https://bulwark.one/safety-products/predictive-safety/
https://www.azomining.com/Article.aspx?ArticleID=1588
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/3-540-27463-4_7
https://ieeexplore.ieee.org/document/9565013
Good luck! Oh sorry, you can’t believe in that either.
Dr Rob Long
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- Behavioural Safety is NOT a Foundation for Tackling Psychosocial and Mental Health - January 31, 2023
- The Worst Approach to Psychosocial Problems is an Attitude of ‘Fixing’ - January 31, 2023
Wynand says
Absolutely brilliant. I did apply but due to the prediction of not getting the job I lowered the risk to Zero by not submitting the application. I also predict that I will only get the deserved bonus of up to $0 for saving the company money by not applying. I therefore achieved the goal of Zero Harm for me as well as the company, and I will continue to not apply in order to perpetuate the Zero Harm associated with the job.
Rob Long says
It’s both sad and laughable that Safety has become such a cesspool of extremist goop and con merchant spin. All of this stuff that is paraded as prediction is actually just marketing for products to make more money out of the undiscerning, naive and gullible safety crusader, who would rather a gadget than learn how to engage with people effectively.
Wynand says
I wonder when we will see a gadget that does engaging with people?