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You are here: Home / Robert Long / Job Vacancy – Safety Clairvoyant

Job Vacancy – Safety Clairvoyant

December 3, 2022 by Dr Rob Long 3 Comments

Package

Starting at $500,000 plus 12.5% super loading (although investing in the future is irrelevant, depending on prediction success rate). $10,000 deducted per failure to predict any event on site over a 12-month period. (Previous applicant left owing the company $400,000).

Status

Full Time 35-168hrs per week, as required.

Position Description

  • Ability to predict any event on site.
  • Capability to know the future.
  • Infallibility
  • Know the unknowns.
  • Collect ‘big data’ and deny Bounded Rationality.
  • Perfection

Selection Criteria

  • Skills in reading tea leaves, horoscope, tarot cards essential.
  • Ability to speak endlessly about ‘predictive analytics’.
  • Necessity to guarantee zero.
  • Ability to use Hindsight Bias to claim eternal foresight.
  • Blame, fudge data and project denial, when accidents occur.
  • Ability to redefine the meaning of words like ‘accident’ and ‘risk’.
  • Be able to preach ‘just believe’.
  • Declare BBS as the safety saviour.
  • Ability to ignore all research in human personhood.
  • Ability to speak with certainty about uncertainty.

Functional Capabilities

  • Must not own, purchase or sell life/accident insurance.
  • Speak meaningless gobbledygook to people.
  • Ability to walk on water.
  • Turn water into wine.
  • Heal the sick.
  • Prophecy
  • Read people’s minds.
  • Ability to pray for car parks.
  • Redefine risk and assurance.

How to Apply

  • Applications addressed to ‘The Omniscient One’
  • Please include in CV a 10-year history of prediction successes.
  • If successful for interview, we expect you to predict the time, date and make-up of the interview team and the questions they may ask.

Referees Required

Personal friendship with Budda, Mohamed, Thor, Jedi Master and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Applications closed 3 months ago because you didn’t predict this ad.

Possible Places for Future Employment

https://predictivesafety.com/

https://www.worley.com/our-thinking/improve-safety-with-predictive-analytics

https://www.crunchbase.com/organization/predictive-safety

https://www.safetytech.ai/predictive-safety-srp-inc

https://www.pwc.com.au/consulting/safety-analytics.html

https://www.usequantum.com/future-safety-predictive-safety-analytics/

https://pitchbook.com/profiles/company/168597-28

https://www.thehortongroup.com/predictive-safety-analytics

https://montgomeryplanning.org/blog-design/2022/08/the-predictive-safety-analysis-a-proactive-approach-to-transportation-safety/

https://www.skybrary.aero/articles/predictive-risk-management

https://bulwark.one/safety-products/predictive-safety/

https://www.azomining.com/Article.aspx?ArticleID=1588

https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/3-540-27463-4_7

https://www.verdantix.com/insights/blogs/the-predictive-safety-revolution-is-accelerating-safety-management-software-into-a-new-era

https://ieeexplore.ieee.org/document/9565013

Good luck! Oh sorry, you can’t believe in that either.

  • Bio
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Dr Rob Long

Dr Rob Long

Expert in Social Psychology, Principal & Trainer at Human Dymensions
Dr Rob Long

Latest posts by Dr Rob Long (see all)

  • An Advanced Understanding of Culture – A Video - January 31, 2023
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Dr Rob Long
PhD., MEd., MOH., BEd., BTh., Dip T., Dip Min., Cert IV TAA, MRMIA Rob is the founder of Human Dymensions and has extensive experience, qualifications and expertise across a range of sectors including government, education, corporate, industry and community sectors over 30 years. Rob has worked at all levels of the education and training sector including serving on various post graduate executive, post graduate supervision, post graduate course design and implementation programs.

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Filed Under: Robert Long Tagged With: predict the future

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Wynand says

    December 3, 2022 at 11:05 PM

    Absolutely brilliant. I did apply but due to the prediction of not getting the job I lowered the risk to Zero by not submitting the application. I also predict that I will only get the deserved bonus of up to $0 for saving the company money by not applying. I therefore achieved the goal of Zero Harm for me as well as the company, and I will continue to not apply in order to perpetuate the Zero Harm associated with the job.

    Reply
    • Rob Long says

      December 4, 2022 at 6:29 AM

      It’s both sad and laughable that Safety has become such a cesspool of extremist goop and con merchant spin. All of this stuff that is paraded as prediction is actually just marketing for products to make more money out of the undiscerning, naive and gullible safety crusader, who would rather a gadget than learn how to engage with people effectively.

      Reply
      • Wynand says

        December 6, 2022 at 10:16 PM

        I wonder when we will see a gadget that does engaging with people?

        Reply

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